I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
