i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
