i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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