I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
