She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
