the condom got lost in my hair
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh god it's open bar.
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