Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
