Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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