I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
