haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
