So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
