A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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