My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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