Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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