The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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