god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
