We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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