I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
