Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
