the condom got lost in my hair
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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