Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
