I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
