I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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