Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
