youre lurking in front of me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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