Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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