Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
