I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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