He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
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