If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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