Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
