Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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