we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
