I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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