shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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