i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
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