Apparently you make a good broom.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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