Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
