I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
