nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
