Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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