i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
