guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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