dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
