Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
