I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
