I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm gonna have a badass scar
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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