when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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