im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need to sanitize my soul.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
