If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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