i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
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