My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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